Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
🤣could you imagine
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less