CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
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[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
i think we should see other cousins