[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
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i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
This is not me but this is me
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty