“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess