Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
All excellent questions
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Kids, do not try this at home!
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly