boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
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It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Your secret is safeish with me
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am: