[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
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Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Trying
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.