Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.