Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
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KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
This will never not be funny 😭
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.