WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
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The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Celery is depressing green water wafers.