[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Doggies just call it style.
the three branches of government
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.