[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
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Schrödinger’s cookie
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*