Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
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me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
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wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.