Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead