Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
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I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
can I use a minion as a tampon