*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.