Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
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computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
That’s what I call a flat tire
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
When you kidnap a writer.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does