‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach