GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
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Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.