I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
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Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!