Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
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me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
we’re gonna need another temp
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.