Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
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Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My favorite type of men is ramen.