if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
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Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Matt Goss
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.