What kind of a cult is this?
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ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.