My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.