“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
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If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.