There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
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Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.