grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.