Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
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“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Mornin
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.