me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
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I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Spell check is for lasers.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My brain is a bad influence on me
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
My good tweets are in my other pants.