I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
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[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
😂🤣😂🤣
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now