I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
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my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes