You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
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I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.