My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
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[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.