[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
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When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas