Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
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Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Air pods looking like an angry frog
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die