pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
You Might Also Like
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.