[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
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I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Same post same
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle