If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
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“no gods no masters” = leo
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….