Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
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Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”