Huge, if true.
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Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.