I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
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What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
You sure about that?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school