My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
#oldknees