“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
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I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?