Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
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ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.