“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.