Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
You Might Also Like
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
new record!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.