The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
idk what this dog had been going through but same