At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
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Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.