My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
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Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Hit me in the face with a bird
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.